Don’t Tell Me “It will make you stronger” (but it might)

Seriously, never walk up to someone with a chronic illness of any kind and tell them it will “make them stronger”.

As a matter of fact, don’t go up to anyone in any traumatic situation, or after any hard season, saying that it will “help them grow”.

Those of us with chronic illness actually have a love-hate relationship with this whole concept. Think about it – all the great books and movies show strong heroes that overcome adversity and become better people. But sometimes it just isn’t like that. Those books and movies rarely show the long term scars.

So sometimes we just don’t want to hear someone “making light” of our pain (I know they don’t intend to) and telling us that it will all work out for the best.

On the other hand, we generally really want to believe that it will – that we are getting stronger, and wiser.

The reality is, we need some balance here. Trauma, pain and disaster can easily make you grow in some ways – and leave you disabled in others. So we shouldn’t think that in five years everything will be fine – but then again, we should remember that we actually can grow through the experience, no matter how horrible.

Yes, not only is there something called post traumatic stress disorder – there’s also something called post traumatic growth.

Don’t feel like you’re “growing”? There is actually a growing body of research into what makes us grow (in trauma) and what stunts our growth. Here are some ideas (no, don’t share these with your sick friend, unless you’re even sicker):

• Hope without unrealistic optimism: The “Stockdale Paradox” was named after Admiral Jim Stockdale, who was in a POW camp for years during the Vietnam War, tortured repeatedly. When asked who didn’t make it out alive and why, he answered,”The optimists”. Why?
  

  The optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, “We’re going to be out by Christmas.” And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say,”We’re going to be out by Easter.” And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.

  This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be. [Good to Great]

• Beliefs: Your beliefs make a huge difference. Do you believe everything is purposeless? Do you believe in God? Do you believe in advances in science? Do you believe the world is getting worse and the whole system is corrupt? Examine your beliefs, and you might discover you’ve been fooling yourself into stunted growth.
• Community: Can you talk to someone about it? Do you have a support group? A doctor who understands? Are you holding it in, trying to look “brave”?
• Take action: Even small steps toward recovery or reduced disability can make us feel like we’re “in control”. Also, taking action in spite of disability can be empowering.
• Emphasis and point of view: Holding on to hate and disappointment, assuming everyone’s motives are 100% bad, expecting things to get worse – we can’t control everything, but we can make significant changes to our own way of seeing the world.
• The Physical Side: We all know what we need to do. Eat better, exercise, avoid addictions. Sometimes it may seem overwhelming – but even getting up to go to the bathroom can be a victory for some people. Or a five minute walk. One less chocolate doughnut.
• A bigger world: Get out beyond your world and see something new. It doesn’t have to be a trip to – Kiribati (although that would be great!) – it could be reading an old book. Learning a new skill. Meeting someone new. Trying a few words in a new language.

Yes, life can leave us scarred and disabled. Sometimes depression hits, and you can’t “shake it off” – depression as a disease can be serious and deadly.

But there may be a small change we can make to actually get a little stronger and wiser.

But don’t tell anyone.